In a classroom teacher asks a student to count from 0 to 10.

Student : 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. :)

Teacher : Where is 5?

Student : Yesterday I heard in the news that 5 died in a car accident.

Teacher:"What is your name?".
Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
Teacher:"When I ask a question in English, answer it in english."
Student:"My name is Sunlight.

Million $ Question to Wives: If U don't like your Husband, why don't you just leave him & let him go ??

Answer from wife: 'I don't like doing anything that will make him happy'...

Teacher: What happened in 1869?
Student: Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher: What happened in 1873?
Student: Gandhiji was four years old ma'am.

Teacher : Define terrorist.

Student : Terrorist is a tourist who comes from other country to celebrate Diwali in our country.

Teacher : Now children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing ?

Student : BROTHERLY LOVE sir...

One day our Country will be Corruption Free." Which tense is it ?????

Student :-Future Impossible tense :-D

Examiner: look at the specimen's legs and identify it..

Sardar: i don't no..

Examiner: you have failed in your practical exam..what is your name

Sardar: now see my legs and identify.....

Queen Elizabeth & Sardarji were having candle light dinner

Queen says "pass the wine u divine"

Sardar thinks "how poetic" & replies "pass the roti u moti"..

A Funny short man & his wife go to a coffee house. Funny short man buys 2 cups of coffee.
● Funny Man : Drink quickly... drink quickly... before it gets cold.
● Wife : But why...
● Funny Man : They charge Rs. 50 for hot coffee and Rs 100 for cold coffee.

Santa - My wife died yesterday..
I'm trying to cry but tears are not coming out,
what to do?

Banta - No Problem.

Just Imagine she came back.

Man 1 :-Oh , So Your Gone Play Dry Holi ?

Man 2 :- Yes We should save water

Man 1 :-But tell me how you going to save water While Removing the color From Your Body :-D

Similarity between Facebook 'n Jail

In Both the Cases you Sit 'n Waste time
n' Write on Walls.. !!

Don't you find it funny that nowadays you can phone for a pizza quicker than
you can the police

A wise man once said "War will never determine which side was right - only
which side was left.

If you steal ideas from only one person, it will be deemed to be plagiarism. If you steal from many people, it is deemed to be research

Enjoying a clear conscience will usually be the cause of having a really bad
memory.

You need to have the ability to laugh at your own problems because everyone
else will.

Sound advice from a father: Don't ever fight an ugly child because what have
they got to lose?

Which would you prefer to have - artifical intelligence or natural stupidity?

After long and deep excavations archeologists found traces of glass in Australia.That could only mean one thing: Australians were the first to have TV’s in the ancient times.

After the same amount of long deep excavations, archeologists found scraps of metal in Asia. That meant the Asians were the first to have missiles in the ancient times.

After detailed excavations in Europe they found absolutely nothing!
Conclusion: Europeans were the first to have wireless and GSM in ancient times!

Santa: Agar nariyal ke ped pe chad jaun to..
engineering college ki ladkiyan dikh jayegi
Banta: Pir hath chod dena,
to medical college ki bhi dikh jayegi.

Motto of the Day - If at first you do not succeed, perhaps Skydiving is not your ideal choice of pastime

The person who can smile in a crisis is someone who has just remembered that
there is someone else to blame.

If you steal ideas from only one person, it will be deemed to be plagiarism. If you steal from many people, it is deemed to be research.

Exasperated by a very naughty kid left in her care on departure who kept running back and forth in the airplane annoying all the passengers, the stewardess whispers to him:
“Maybe you’re bored! Don’t you want to play outside?”

An old man presents himself in front of the enrollment committee:
“I want to join as a volunteer!”
“How old are you?”
“Seventy!”
“You are pretty old for a soldier you know!”
“Well then I shall join the forces as a general!”

The old barber gives his last advice to his son who is about to take over the business:
“And remember, working with the razor is extremely dangerous, some costumers are angry, they make sudden and unexpected moves! Be very careful not to cut yourself!”

Two electricians were working on a high voltage line. The one standing on the pole tells the other worker:
“Grab that wire on the left, please!”
“Got it!”
“Do you feel anything?”
“No!”
“Then please be careful with the wire on the right! It has 30,000 volts going through it!”

At a painting exhibition somebody presented a painting that was completely black with a white dot in the middle.
“What does this painting represent?” asks a guy.
“This painting represents my point of view!”

Dear teacher, please excuse me for being absent from January 1, 2011 to December 31, 2011.

The boss called Johny into his office the other day and asked him if he believed that there was life after death.
Johny replied "Yes, I think that there is".
" I thought so.. " said the boss "Because yesterday, minutes after you took the
afternoon off to attend your Grandpa's funeral, he popped by to see you".

The teacher asks Johny:
“Johny, why aren’t you writing?”
“I don’t has a pencil”
“Johny, that’s not a correct sentence. The correct way is: {I don’t have a pencil, he doesn’t have a pencil, we don’t have a pencil}”
Johny : “Who stole all the pencils then?”

“Johny, It’s the 5th time you’re late to work this week!”, blasted the Boss, ”Do you know what that means?”
“Probably that it’s Friday..?”

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well, " the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.

"No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"I don't know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the blonde lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stops by his office.

As she walks in unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his lap.

Without hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter:

"And in conclusion gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Wife to husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or
my sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: Your
sense of humor..

Why did 18 Sardars go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed..

Wife: The doctor has come to see you.
Husband: Tell him that I am not feeling well and won't be able to see anyone.

Hubby: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.
Wife: Yes darling I still do, only difference is earlier it was 300ml now it's 1.5 ltr.

Husband: Today is Sunday & I want to enjoy it. So, I bought 3 movie tickets. Wife: Why three?
Husband: 4 you and Your parents.

Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
A: Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything..

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

Santa (reading from book of facts) "Do you know that every time I breathe a man dies?"
Banta: "Why don't u use a mouth wash?"

The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter speed it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!

Teacher: Now, Santa, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Santa: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
She replied, "Yes, dear I know, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Q : What is an adult joke?
A : Any joke which is eighteen years old.

Q: What do u call a woman in heaven?
A: An Angel.
Q: A crowd of woman in heaven?
A: A host of Angels.
Q: And all woman in heaven?
A: PEACE ON EARTH...!

Question : Should women have children after 35?
Banta : No, 35 children are more than enough!

Museum administrator: That's a 500 year old statue you've broken.
Joe: Thank God! I thought it was a new one!

When a man opens the door of his car for a woman, you can be sure of one thing-
Either the car is new or the wife is...

In the 1st year after a couple gets married, the husband speaks and the wife listens.

In 2nd year of marriage the wife speaks and the husband listens.

In the 3rd year of marriage, both of them speak and the neighbours listen.

Person 1: Look at that weird looking boy with short cowboy like hair and flashy dress.

Person 2: Oh, that? Thats a girl and she is my daughter.

Person 1: Oh, am sorry! I didnt know you are her father.

Person 2: Actually I am her mother, not father

You know why the word 'women' starts with ‘W’…
because all questions start with “W”.. !
Who ?
Why ?
What ?
When ?
Which ?
Whom ?
Where ?
&
Finally Wife..!!!

Ek shrabi sadhu se takra gaya.
Sadhu: Oh murkh, mein tuje shaap deta hoon…
Sharabi: Ruko, me glass leke ata hoon.

Santa: How do you want to die?

Banta: I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming or yelling like the passengers in the car he was driving.

Doctor to a rich patient: Do you prefer a local anesthesia?
Patient : I would rather prefer an imported one.

An old Indian woman slips on ice and falls..

She cries.. "Hai meri kismat !!"

A Foreigner walks past and says..
.
.
.
"Hi.. Merry Christmas to you too."..

Me-I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated

Girl-So, what do you do?
.
.
me:I close my eyes and act like I am sleeping...

One day Raja and Rani decided to send messages to each other by using Pigeon instead of mobile.
The very next day pigeon reached Raja without any message.
He got furious and called Rani.
She told :"Stupid, it was a missed call"

Interviewer : Congrats!, You are selected. Your first year salary is Rs.60,000 per month. Next year it will be 80,000 per month.

Santa : Ok, Sir, thank you. I will join next year...

Son - I want a baby brother .
Mom - your dad is overseas. When he comes back we will talk over it .
Son - Mom, why don't u give him a surprise?

After robbing the Bank, robber to clerk: Did u see me robbing?
Clerk: Yes.
Robber shot him dead & asked the next clerk: Did you?
2nd clerk: No, but my wife saw you!

Q: What is the difference b/w secretary & private secretary?
Ans:
Secretary says 'GOOD MORNING, SIR'
&
Private secretary says 'ITS MORNING, SIR'

Wife:-I will die.
Husband:- I will also die.

Wife:-why will you die?
Husband:- because I can't bear that much happiness...!

Woman : Doctor, when I looked in the mirror this morning, I saw my hair was frizzy, my skin wrinkly, my eyes bloodshot – what is wrong with me?".

Doctor:"Well, the good news is that your eyesight is fine...

Wife : Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband : Great!, but if you come home before I do, leave the hall lights On...

ಹೆಂಡತಿಃ ರೀ,,, ಸ್ವರ್ಗದಲ್ಲಿ ಗಂಡನ ಜೊತೆ ಹೆಂಡ್ತೀನ ಇರೋಕೆ ಬಿಡೋದಿಲ್ವಂತೆ...
ಗಂಡಃ ಅದಕ್ಕೇ ಕಣೇ, ಅದನ್ನು 'ಸ್ವರ್ಗ' ಅನ್ನೋದು...!!

1990's
Ladka kya karta hai?
Ladke wale- Doctor hai
2011
Ladka kya krta hai??
Ladke wale-"Fb pe 2 pages ka
admin hai
ek page ke to 8000 likes hai..JSK

Before marriage a man Yearns for the woman he loves.
After the marriage the 'Y' becomes silent.

Son : Dad, how much does it cost to get married ?
Dad : I don't know son, I am still paying for it.

A man in a hotel: Waiter, there is a dead fly in my bean soup.
Waiter: Oh, the hot soup must have killed it sir.

Beta - "papa , aap jaise mujhe maarthe ho,
waise dadaji bhi aapko marthe the kya..?"
.
.
Papa - "haan bilkul"
.
Beta-"toh ye khandani faltugiri kab tak chalegi....

ಹೋಟೆಲಲ್ಲಿ ಗಲ್ಲಾಪೆಟ್ಟಿಗೆ ಹತ್ರ ಇದ್ದ ಬೋರ್ಡ್ಃ 'ವರದರಾಜ ಭಾಣಾವರ' ಇದನ್ನು ಓದಿದ
ಗಿರಾಕಿ, ಮ್ಯಾನೇಜರ್ ಹತ್ರ ಃ ಸಾರ್, ನಿಮ್ಮೂರು ಭಾಣಾವರನಾ... ನಾನೂ ಅಲ್ಲಿಯವನೇ, ಹೆ, ಹೆ, ಹೆ...
ಮ್ಯಾನೇಜರ್ಃ ಇಲ್ರೀ, ಅದು ಬೋರ್ಡ್ ಬರೆದವನ ತಪ್ಪು, 'ವಾರದರಜ ಭಾನುವಾರ' ಅಂತ ಇರಬೇಕಿತ್ತು...!

World Trade Centre : Pakistan responsible
Mumbai Terror attack : Pakistan responsible
Raise of Taliban : Pakistan responsible
Mumbai blast : Pakistan responsible
North Korea's Nuclear Bomb : Pakistan responsible
Iran's Nuclear preparation : Pakistan responsible
Cricket Match Fixing : Pakistan responsible
Osama's being alive for so long: Pakistan responsible

Conclusion : Pakistan is the 'Most Responsible' country in the world!!!

A common Question asked by the married people :

Is Life Beautiful ?

Yes, Life is Beautiful..

But,

Terms & Conditions of WIFE applies...!

2 boys were talking:
1st: Tu bohut accha swimming karta he
kaha pe sikha ?
2nd Boy: Pani me...

Girl: Mom, I want some fresh air..can I go for a walk..?
Mom: Yes, but tell your "fresh air" to drop you home by 9 Pm...

RAJNI was Putting his Dog's tail into a pipe...
Santa-oYe Pagal, Dog's Tail will never become Straight.

Rajni-Yenna Rascala, its MY dog, I'm just bending the pipe...

Wife :What will you give me if I climb Mount Everest ?
Husband : A gentle Push...

Santa calls up White House... Santa : I want to be the next President of USA!!!... Obama : Are you an idiot ? Santa : Why ? Is it mandatory ?

Doctor to a pregnant girl:When did this happen ?
Girl:When my parents went for a movie...
Doctor:Why you did not go with them ?
Girl:It was an adult movie...

An old rich man married a young girl.
Media ne girl se poocha : aapne inme shadi ke liye kya dekha ?
Girl :'Ek tho inki 'income', our dusre - inke 'din-cum'!!

Brain is a very important part of the body. It is active 24 hours 365 days. It starts working when you are born and continues working till you are married.

Question: Which day of the week is most hated by fish? Answer: Fry Day !!

ಸಾಂಟಾಃ ಎರಡು ಲಂಗೋಟಿ ಕೊಡಮ್ಮ, ಒಂದು ಹಸಿರು,ಒಂದು ನೀಲಿ ಬಣ್ಣದ್ದು... ಸೇಲ್ಸ್ ಗರ್ಲ್ (೨ ಲಂಗೋಟಿಗಳನ್ನು ತೋರಿಸುತ್ತಾ)ಃ ಇವು ಓಕೆ ಆಯ್ತಾ ? ಕಟ್ಕೊಡ್ಲಾ ಹಾಗಾದ್ರೆ ? ಸಾಂಟಾಃ ಬೇಡಮ್ಮ, ಮನೇಲೇ ಕಟ್ಕೋತೀನಿ..!!

Santa's boss walked past his desk and asked him : "Why are you not working?" Santa : "Because I did not see you coming Sir".

Employee: Sir, I must get a salary increment. Three other companies are after me. Boss: Oh, Really? Which are those three companies? Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.

Interviewer: Do you think you can handle a variety of work? Candidate: Yes I think so, I have worked in 10 different places in the last 3 months.

ಗಂಡ - ನಿಂಗೊತ್ತಾ, ಪಕ್ಕದ್ಮನೆ ರಾಜೇಶಂಗೆ ಇಬ್ರು ಗರ್ಲ್ ಫ್ರೆಂಡ್ಸ್ ಇದ್ದಾರೆ, ಹೆಂಡ್ತಿಗೆ ಗೊತ್ತೇ ಇಲ್ಲ!! ಹೆಂಡ್ತಿ - ಹಾಗಾದ್ರೆ, ಇನ್ನೊಬ್ಳು ಯಾರು ?!!!

Girl: Mom, today the teacher beat me for something that I didn't do. Mother: That's very bad of your teacher. What was it that you didn't do? Girl: The homework.

My wife always told me that if I wanted breakfast in bed, then I would have to sleep in the kitchen

"Dear Son, How are you? All are fine here. We miss you a lot. Please!! TURN OFF THE COMPUTER & COME DOWN FOR DINNER!!!

Wife to her husband: Wake up. Some thieves have broken into our house. I think they are now eating the food I made last night. Husband: Oh! Let's better call the ambulance then.

Wife: Why do you wear your specs only when I come in.
Husband: The doctor has ordered me to wear my specs whenever I get an headache.

Doctor: Have you ever fainted before? Patient: Yes, the last time you told me your fees.

Doctor to a rich man: Do you prefer a local anesthesia? Rich man: I would rather prefer an imported one.

Lady 1: My son is very well behaved.
Lady 2: How can you say that? Wasn't he arrested and imprisoned for 5 years.
Lady 1: Yes, but he got out after 2 years for good behavior inside the jail.

Man 1: My son is not listening to anything I say. Man 2: Is he so adamnant? Man 1: No, he is deaf.

Man to miser: Why do you always remove the batteries from the clock and keep them outside? Miser: I want to extend the battery life and hence I put them in the clock only when I want to see the time.